Karin's Answers

So it’s now February 1, 2018 and I can officially start off the new year without this being about the new year…lol.  I didn’t want this to be another new years resolution that I’m never going to keep.  🙂

My husband’s aunt moved in with us about 6 months ago and it’s been fine for the most part.  She’s not so old that she can’t take care of herself, she’s just to old to be alone.  That being said we do butt heads.  I’m an over the top neat freak, I can’t help it.  I know when there are knives or glasses, or plates missing and it drives me insane because I know they are sitting somewhere dirty.  I hate it when people take food or drinks in any room but the dining room or kitchen and it drives me crazy when they don’t bring their dishes back to the kitchen.  I can’t stand it when you leave laundry in the washing machine or dryer, I hate clothes on the floor, I think trash belongs in the garbage and not on the counter, and I think if you’re finished with something you should put it away immediately.  So auntie is completely different.  I adore her but she’s an over the top slob.  She is constantly eating food in her bedroom and the living room, she can’t seem to bring her dishes to the kitchen, she’s got garbage everywhere, and always leaves stuff lying around, etc..etc..etc.  You get the idea.  Now I’m really fine with that, it reminds me of my husband because he’s the same way.  My only thing is that if we are going to live together you have to let me pick up after you, I’m not asking anyone to be as clean as me, I’m only asking that you let me be as clean as I need to be.  I’ve told her this from day one and she’s always seemed okay with it, until today.

I noticed last night one of my steak knives was missing, not a big deal right?  I figured it was in auntie’s room.  When I looked this morning it wasn’t anywhere to be found so I asked her about it.  She said it was in her room, she had used it to cut an apple (ugh!).  I went to her room and looked around, found 3 spoons, 2 forks, and finally the missing knife.  I took them all and put them in the sink, just like I do with all of her dishes every morning (although apparently I missed the silverware).  Not a big deal, or so I thought.  A few minutes later she comes to my office and tells me she’ll buy her own knives, I’m dumbfounded.  Why would she do that?  I told her it wasn’t necessary I just wanted to be able to wash the knife.  Does she think if she bought her own set of knives it would really make a difference??  I wouldn’t want to clean those too??  It doesn’t make any sense.  Then she says it’s just time to move out.  I tell her she doesn’t need to move, we want her to stay, but she’s “I am and as soon as possible”.  (Heavy sigh)  I understand she’s going through a hard time right now, it’s hard to give up everything you know and move to a city you haven’t lived in for over 40 years and not know anyone and not be able to drive.  I’m sure she misses her husband and her freedom but come on!  Adjust and move on, it’s just time to adjust and move on.

Anyway, lately I can be very emotional and at this point I’m upset.  I have to call my husband and he is going to be upset because he is adamant she stay with us, he’s making plans to add on a granny flat for her so she can have her own space (joy, more for me to clean).   So I call him and he gets upset, as predicted, “Great, now I have to worry about this too”…his words, not mine.  WHATEVER!!  This upsets me even more and of course I cry and of course this upsets him more and then we get off the phone.  Five minutes later he calls back to tell me it will all be okay and I’m sure it will be.  Whether she stays or moves out, it doesn’t matter.  She’s better off staying, and she’d be a fool to try to live on her own again.  But, she’s an adult, she has to do what’s best for her.  Right?!

So I guess the point to all of this is I’m not going to sweat it.  I do a lot for the people I love.  I cook, I clean, I help in whatever way I can.  Yes, sometimes I go a bit overboard but I never ask anyone to change, I just do what I have to do to stay sane and it’s all done out of love.  I want you to live in a clean and healthy environment and I’m willing to do it all myself to make it happen.  If you can’t see that and appreciate that then go be alone and even more miserable, there’s nothing I can do about it.  Now I’m sure that in a couple of days when my husband gets home things will be okay.  He’ll talk to her and she’ll get upset again and then everything will be okay, that’s the way it works with him.  In the end life goes one.  It always does.  Deal with it.

I’ll be the first to admit that I LOVE money, who doesn’t, but I’ll also admit that it is the root of all evil.  Everything bad that I’ve ever done in my life was a direct result of needing money.  How did my life end up so screwed up??  I ask myself this question every day and yet I don’t do anything to change it….odd that it works that way right?  NOT!

What is that saying……If we don’t change we remain the same?  Or something like that.  Anyway, somehow I’ve gotten it in my mind that I can’t change.  That if I do change then I will end up alone and no one will have anything to do with me.  I buy my friends, I buy my family, I buy my life.  It doesn’t make any sense.  It’s not true and in my heart I know it’s not true but in my head…..in my head I’m not important enough, smart enough, likeable enough without spending a LOT of money.  There’s that BUT again…….

I spend money I don’t have and I’m drowning in debt and it shouldn’t be that way.  I make a good living and my husband makes a great living and yet I’m struggling.  Although in all fairness, my husband and I don’t combine our money.  Sometimes I feel like I’m paying him rent to live in his house.  I know that sounds harsh but I give him more than 1/2 my paycheck and in return he pays all his bills and I have to figure out how to cover all of mine.  I always thought that when I got married I would have more, not less.  I feel like I have less, I don’t, but I feel that way.  That sounds really cruel.  It’s not right.   I love my husband, he’s a great man, and because of him I have a roof over my head, a nice car to drive (that I pay for but he gets all the credit for), and we go on some really nice vacations every year.  I sound bitter when I read this.  Maybe I am.  He always seems to forget that I give him money every payday.  His daughter lives here rent free.  Doesn’t have to pay for anything.  Why do I???  I’m his wife and if anyone should be living here for free it should be me.  I am bitter.

I have to go to sleep….this is to much for 3:30 in the morning.

I often find myself wondering how it is I became this person….not that I don’t like myself, I do.  I guess it’s just more a question of why am I not more??  Why do I not live up to my potential.  I know not everyone has the potential to be the next superstar, or genius but I’ve always believed I was destined to be more.  Someone people look up to, want to be, without realizing it.  If that makes sense….LOL

I do my part, I think.  I take care of my family at every opportunity.  I try to be there for them and for my friends.  I listen when I need to, I talk when I need to.  I donate anonymously because I don’t want everyone to ohhh and ahhhh and tell me how great my donations are.  I do it because I want everyone to be as happy as I am, and I am happy. I have a good life.  I live in a great neighborhood.  I have some great friends.  I have a great family that supports me in everything I do, even when it’s completely crazy. I’ve also found a wonderful husband who loves me more than I deserve, and I love him more than I ever thought I would but…..but….BUT.

The BUT in my life is what gets me every time.  I find I’m lost.  No matter how hard I want to try or how much I do I always feel like I’m not doing enough, I’m not enough.  Probably because I’m not.  I don’t strive, I don’t work, I don’t do more.  I find I just sit and wonder why it is that I’m not doing more without doing anything.  It really affects everything I do.  I’m not working as hard as I should.  I’m not trying to do better, to be better and there’s always an opportunity for improvement.  I don’t seem to want to learn or grow.  I simply want to sit and stare and cry and wish.  I want to be different, to be better, but I don’t want to work for it.  I just want it to fall in my lap.  Why is that??  When I did I become so lazy?????

I don’t think this is anything I can answer tonight, but at least I’m thinking about it right?  To all of you out there going through the same struggle, good luck!  Let me know if you find any answers……

So I’ve gone to the doctor and done all the tests and wondered and worried and hoped the doctor would find an answer to what plagues me……I’m just SO TIRED!!  In the end there was nothing.  I’m healthy as a horse…whatever that means (where did that phrase even come from?).

So now what….where to go, what to do…anything to avoid the realization that it’s mental.  LOL  I’m mental.  I guess that’s nothing new.  I was in a mental ward when I was 18 so it’s not such a far stretch to think I’m still mental in my 40’s.  I’m not unhappy, I think I’m just stuck.

The solution to all of this is change…..I need a change.  I’ve already changed my location (I miss my family though), now it’s time to complete the change.  It’s time for a new career.  I need a new job, something new for my brain to chew on.  I’m tired because I’M SO BORED!  Now the next question…how do I figure out what to do or how to get a job doing it?

It’s a good start…suggestions??  Anyone???? 🙂  Have a better day!!